X-MEN: THE LAST STAND: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
EXT. SUBURBS - 20 YEARS AGO
YOUNG PATRICK STEWART and YOUNG IAN MCKELLEN enter the home of YOUNG FAMKE JANSSEN.
YOUNG PATRICK STEWART
I'm really surprised they bothered to use digital effects to make us look younger rather than just hire younger actors that look like us.
YOUNG IAN MCKELLEN
What's even more surprising is that they apparently did it without watching movies we were in 20 years ago. You'd think it'd be easier to make you look like Picard than it is to make you look like an alien.
YOUNG PATRICK STEWART
At least I don't look like a transvestite.
YOUNG FAMKE JANSSEN
I am a very strong mutant.
She proves this by lifting cars in the neighborhood, which apparently is something the residents are used to.
INT. PROFESSOR PATRICK STEWART'S SCHOOL
PATRICK is giving a lecture about ethics.
PATRICK STEWART
...as I was saying, would it be ethical for me, as a telepath, to insert my mind into the body of a person in a persistent vegetative state if I were to, say, be killed by a super strong mutant that lifts cars?
STUDENT
What a completely random question that absolutely isn't being asked so that it can be used later on in the film.
Suddenly, KELSEY GRAMMAR enters.
KELSEY GRAMMAR
Patrick! There is a "cure" for being a mutant!
HALLE BERRY
A cure? But there's nothing wrong with us!
KELSEY GRAMMAR
...
HALLE BERRY
I mean, unless you count being covered in bright blue fur, being unable to touch someone, or having mental powers so uncontrollable that you are a danger to the entire world.
KELSEY GRAMMAR
What the hell do you do, again?
HALLE BERRY
My mutant power is being able to manipulate people into giving me the lead in this movie despite being a shockingly bad actress.
PATRICK STEWART
In any case, this cure could lead to a giant mutant war. Not so giant that it involves any of the interesting characters from the X-Men comic books, but definitely giant enough for a small handful.
Meanwhile...
HUGH JACKMAN confronts JAMES MARSDEN.
HUGH JACKMAN
Hey man, what's your problem?
JAMES MARSDEN
Look at me! I'm stubbly! It's one full day since I've shaved! I'm a fucking wreck.
HUGH JACKMAN
Look, I know you're having a tough time with the loss of Famke...
JAMES MARSDEN
What? No, I'm pissed off because Halle Berry managed to negotiate her way into being the team leader instead of me. Halle Berry, man. Fucking Catwoman.
JAMES speeds away on his bike.
Meanwhile...
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR
A bunch of mutants are gathered around, arguing about the cure. IAN MCKELLEN and his henchman AARON STANFORD enter.
IAN MCKELLEN
They're going to use the cure on us and remove our powers! Then you'd be able to come out of hiding, how much would that suck?
DIANA RAMIREZ and KEN LEUNG approach.
DIANA RAMIREZ
I'd join your group, but I saw what you supposedly looked like 20 years ago and couldn't stop laughing.
AARON STANFORD
(lights a fireball)
Do you know who you're talking to?
KEN LEUNG
(spikes protrude from face)
Do you?
AARON STANFORD
Er, wait. I just made fire in my hands. Did you really just try to intimidate me by turning into a porcupine?
KEN LEUNG
Don't fuck with me, or I'll trick you into giving me a hug and then kill you.
DIANA RAMIREZ
I can detect other mutants and their powers.
IAN MCKELLEN
How convenient to the plot. You're hired. Let's go pick up some more mutants, since both of your powers are basically shit.
They pick up REBECCA ROMIJN, VINNIE JONES, and ERIC DANE.
IAN MCKELLEN
Welcome back, Rebecca. So what are everyone's powers?
VINNIE JONES
I'm big. And dumb. And I wear a stupid-looking helmet, just like you.
ERIC DANE
I can make copies of myself.
REBECCA ROMIJN
Juggernaut and Multiple Man? Wow, we're really scraping the bottom of the fucking comic book barrel here.
IAN MCKELLEN
Oh well, I'm sure the writers will figure out a way to awkwardly shoehorn in a use for your powers.
Suddenly, REBECCA is shot with a CURE BULLET. She turns into a regular human
IAN MCKELLEN
Oh. Well, fuck you then, human.
AARON STANFORD
Seriously? That's pretty dick. You sure that won't come bite you later?
IAN MCKELLEN
What can she possibly do? She's only been my most trusted confidant and sidekick for the entire series, making her privy to a wealth of information on how I think and what my plans are.
They also recruit FAMKE JANSSEN, who has killed the shit out of JAMES and PATRICK.
INT. PROFESSOR PATRICK STEWART'S SCHOOL
Everyone sees on TV that IAN and his group are heading to ALCATRAZ in order to destroy the cure.
KELSEY GRAMMAR
We have to stop him, even though we basically want the cure destroyed too.
HALLE BERRY
Well with Patrick and James gone, I guess I'm the leader. Let's suit up and save the day!
HUGH JACKMAN
I can't believe we're being led by the woman whose best quip was that a toad dies when it gets struck by lightning.
HALLE BERRY
Alright, everyone! Mutant roll call!
KELSEY GRAMMAR
Beast, with the power of being strong! Also acrobatics skill that I won't use in the movie.
DANIEL CUDMORE
Colossus, also with the power of being strong!
SHAWN ASHMORE
Iceman, with power to make things cold.
ELLEN PAGE
And me, Shadowcat, with power to walk through things. I'm basically a lamer version of Nightcrawler, who isn't in the movie for some reason.
HUGH JACKMAN
This is it? This is the big team for the climax of the movie? Why the hell did we even bother making this thing?
EXT. ALCATRAZ
There is a long battle. IAN MCKELLEN throws cars at people and AARON lights them on fire.
AARON STANFORD
Couldn't you just use the metal in the cars as bullets like you did in the last movie? What's the point of me lighting them on fire?
IAN MCKELLEN
Well, what's the point in bothering with any of this when Famke can just destroy everyone with her mind?
AARON STANFORD
Um.. To needlessly pad the scene with superfluous action in order to compensate for the lackluster script?
IAN MCKELLEN
Attaboy.
They FIGHT more. Eventually, most of the new characters are killed and IAN is "cured". FAMKE goes fucking BATSHIT CRAZY on everything.
HUGH JACKMAN
The only way to stop you from killing everyone is to kill you, Famke!
FAMKE JENSEEN
Well, you could throw the cure mutant kid at me.
KELSEY GRAMMAR
Or we could have saved a few of the cure vials for Famke, rather than stick all four of them in Ian for no reason.
HUGH JACKMAN
Nope, it's definitely the thing where I kill her.
He DOES.
INT. PROFESSOR PATRICK STEWART'S SCHOOL
There is a funeral for FAMKE.
HUGH JACKMAN
So, James and Famke are dead, Anna Paquin is cured, Nightcrawler is absent, Ian McKellen is cured, Rebecca Romijn is gone, most of the memorable villains have been killed, and the X-Men are being led by the star of Gothika.
HALLE BERRY
Yep. I can't wait to see how great the fourth movie is!
END
2006 Rod Hilton. . This document may be reproduced verbatim (allowing censorship and translation) as long as the author's name is preserved and this notice is either preserved or referenced.
