No More Spandex
“I’m not kidding, I saw the screen!” Bobby
insisted.
“No way! Don’t
all the school lab computers have “Net Nanny” installed on them?” Kitty
objected.
“You can get around that easy! I do it all the time.” Remy countered.
“I’ll bet you do, pervert.” Jubilee replied.
“Besides, Mr. Summers has the password anyhow.”
“I still don’t believe you two saw Mr. Summers
surfing a Bondage site.” Kitty maintained.
“Those two are full of sh—t. Let’s go to the lab and see.” Jubilee
grabbed Kitty’s arm and dragged her down the hall to the lab, where they poked their
heads in the door. They tried to crane their
necks around it well enough to see the image Mr. Summers had up on the monitor; before
they could, they were startled by Dr. Gray, coming up from behind them.
“Do you need something?” She asked, nearly making the girls
jump out of their skins.
“No!” Jubilee stammered. “That is, yes, we were just going to check
Kitty’s e-mail.”
“How about you girls check it in the morning? It is past lights out, you should go to bed.”
she said, but didn’t bother to see if they complied.
She sailed into the lab towards Scott, and leaned over him affectionately, blocking
their view of the monitor, and plunking Professor X’s school credit card down beside
the keyboard.
“Are you sure you want to do this Scott? I don’t know if I really like the idea of
Black leather…”
The girls made a b-line to the dorm so fast that Kitty slid
right through the closed door.
“What was that?” Scott asked Jean.
“Just a couple of the girls.” she sighed. “Stop trying to change the subject. I still don’t see why we need new
uniforms.”
“Because I feel like a dork in blue Spandex, that’s
why!”
“Superman wears blue Spandex. Besides, Spandex shows off your best
feature,” Jean kidded him, patting him on that area.
“Yeah, great, just the image we’re trying to project. What about protection? I want something solid, that won’t melt to my
skin if somebody throws flames at us. These
new style suits are padded, flame proofed, and lightly armored. They are the latest technology in super-hero gear.
”
“This is really about
‘The Matrix’ isn’t it?” Jean asked.
Scott blushed.
“How are we going to wash them? Have you thought of that?”
“We’ll send them to the cleaners.”
“Great, and while they’re at the cleaners what do we
do? Hold off saving humanity till they get
back?”
“We’ll get TWO sets, Jean. O.K.”
“Won’t that cost a lot? I mean…”
“The Professor says it’s OK, I cleared it with him
already.”
“Hmph.”
“He thinks it’s a great idea.”
“Fine,” she sighed “I’m glad YOU TWO worked
it all out. Consulting me or Ororo
wouldn’t occur to you, of course.”
“Ororo’s fine with it, Jean.” He answered, “As long as she still gets to
wear a cape like before.”
…………………..
If Mystique were here, Magneto thought, this disaster would
never have happened.
His old uniform had been getting on his nerves for a while now,
but getting a new one just now was not the sort of thing he wanted to have to deal with
while planning world domination.
He had looked at it in his closet this morning, dangling on a hanger
looking rather limp and sad. It had once
seemed so dashing (and even, he preened, sexy) but now when he put it on, it sagged in
spots, and was beginning to pill in sections best left unmentioned. He tried putting it on, and decided it looked like
…. the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well
saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank…
The red color (his favorite) was looking less like the Master
of Magnetism, he decided, and more like the Commedia del’ Arte’s most notable
old lecher. The effect was emphasized by the
tendency of any garment he worked in to electro magnetically attract lint, which stood out
sharply against the bright red and purple of the body suit.
Maybe, if he washed it, it would perk up a bit.
He went to the utility room where the washer and dryer were
kept. Mystique, otherwise the most compliant
of lovers and assistants had absolutely insisted on getting them. While she happily embraced some of the most menial
of traditional female tasks in an effort to please Magneto, she absolutely had drawn the
line at hand washing clothes.
Probably, he mused, because she didn’t wear any.
So Magneto had ordered the most high tech washer-dryer set sent
in, complete with a special order brushed-steel surface, to match the rest of the
building’s “Bauhaus Dungeon” décor (as Toad called it).
He was now regretting it.
The controls were so complex, he decided, they would take an engineering degree to
figure out. He couldn’t find the manual,
and somehow, phoning Senator Kelly’s office to ask Kelly’s trusted aide how to
run the washer, he felt could possibly blow Raven’s cover.
So he fiddled, and pushed buttons, and tried to get the water
as hot as it could go. Maybe if it shrunk a
little it wouldn’t show how much weight he’d lost since he’d bought it. After it finished he threw it in the dryer for an
hour for good measure.
…………………………
“I thought you liked our old uniforms, Professor.” Jean
pleaded with Xavier.
“Hmm…” he hesitated, uncharacteristically.
“I’ve always been very fond of the old uniforms all of you have had. But the new leather ones that Scott suggests, are
even better I think.”
“But
don’t you think that they look…” she paused “…kind of kinky?”
“You’re simply having a problem with Scott, aren’t
you?” The Professor asked Jean, switching the subject.
“It just annoys me how he railroaded us over this uniform
thing.” She sighed. “I liked my
‘Marvel Girl’ uniform. And he even
lied to me about Ororo.”
“He did?” that surprised him.
“He said that she thought it was a good idea too.”
“But she does.”
“She does?” Jean looked incredulous. “With
leather costumes? Our vegetarian, tree
hugging, nature mother likes the idea of LEATHER costumes?”
“Yes actually. In fact she suggested it.”
“You are kidding, right?” Jean smiled.
“No.” Xavier smiled back. “You see, when she calls down lightning
storms, it gives her a terrible problem with lint.”
…………………………
“Lipchitz Tailoring. How can I help you?” chimed a
young female voice on the phone.
That threw him for a moment. “Hello. I was calling for Rolf, is he in?”
“Yeah.” She replied, then shouted loudly off the phone
“Grandpa! Somebody wants you!”
In the room beyond, Magneto heard “Wait a minute, Sylvie,
I’m coming. Who is it?”
“Whom shall I say is calling?” Sylvie asked.
“Erik Lenscherr.”
“He says he’s Erik Lender” he heard in the
background.
“That’s Lenscherr, Sylvie, not Lender.” Rolf’s voice grumbled, “He’s my
best customer, not a bagel.” then, on the phone:
“Hiya, Eric. What can I do for
you today?”
“Who was that?” Magneto asked.
“My granddaughter Sylvia.
She’s a freshman at FIT, so she’s having
me teach her tailoring.” Lipchitz
replied. “So what can I do for
you?”
Now that he was on the phone, he felt awkward broaching the
subject. “Um. Well. I
was wondering if you knew where I could get a …. sort of … costume.”
“A costume? Well,
I’d say Matera is probably the best in New York. I can look up their
phone…”
“No, no, I don’t mean THAT sort of
costume…….” He paused, unsure how to go on. “I shrunk my old one in
the dryer and now the Spandex is tight enough to make my…”
“Ahh! THAT kind of costume!
Well, I’d say your best bet would be ordering on the Internet….I had no
idea you were into that too....” He then whispered into the handset: “There is a
site called “Lycra Lust Spandex Sissies” that has everything you could ever want
on it. I never order from anyplace
else.”
There was a long pause before Magneto replied.
“Mmm. Well,
actually, that isn’t quite it either.” This was getting more awkward by the
minute. “Can you keep a secret?” he
almost hissed into the phone.
“Like, you think my wife and four kids know about my
Lycra?” Rolf, hissed back, anxious not to alert his granddaughter in the next room. “Like I don’t know dirt on you already
since ‘45? Who are you kidding Erik? After what we both went through in our lives, now
when we’re in our 70s, you think I’m going to flip out because some kinky
costume floats your boat, and start getting righteous on you?”
“You have a point.”
“Just spit it out. What
do you need?”
“A new super-hero uniform.”
“You mean you like to dress like Captain Marvel or
something?”
“Actually, I’m Magneto.” There was a pause.
“In real life.”
“MAGNETO?” Rolf choked. “Are you shitting me?”
“No, actually.” Magneto purred. He loved it when he got this kind of reaction.
“As my Granddaughter would say, ‘Far out’. So, you want a Spandex super hero uniform.”
“As a matter of fact, I was calling you because I don’t
want one. I went online and checked the usual
catalog, you know, Superhero Costumes dot com, and the
new one that’s popular now with all the black leather super hero gear, and I decided
I’m getting too old to enjoy cavorting about in public looking like I’m in
painted-on fetish wear. Besides, the Lycra gets lint all over it. They aren’t
comfortable, they look absurd, and I’d rather wear a suit, or a sweater as
usual.”
“You can’t do that!” Lipchitz expostulated.
“Well I absolutely will NOT wear Spandex again! It looks so dated…”
“Well, if you don’t want leather, and you don’t
want Spandex, what do you want?”
“I was thinking, maybe, you could make me some sort of
special wool suit. I love your suits Rolf,
Armani has nothing, in my opinion, half as classic as a custom Lipchitz.” "Lay
on the butter Erik", he thought to himself "Rolf won't do a really weird custom
order unless you flatter his ego a bit..."
“But a super hero can’t wear a regular suit!”
"The very conclusion you were supposed to reach,
Rolf" he thought. “Then design me some sort of special suit. How hard would
that be?”
“For me, plenty. I
think in terms of the classics: double breasted, single breasted, three button, Norfolk,
tux, tails, you name it, I do it, but I’m not exactly a fashion designer, so
if…”
“Well, I suppose the leather would…” Magneto
interrupted.
“Now wait, Erik, don’t give up. As I said, I, can’t do it, but Sylvie, she
can I bet.” Rolf insisted, “She has
a good eye. And she is up on all the latest
fashions, and is getting pretty good at tailoring.”
“Oh.” Magneto paused, delighted to have the problem
solved so neatly. “That sounds like it might work.”
“How about this: I
give you Sylvia to talk to. You tell her
EXACTLY what you do and don’t want. I’ve
got your measurements, and in two weeks you come to New York and we do a fitting.”
“That sounds wonderful.”
“O.K. I’ll get
you Sylvia.” He said, then shouted off “SYLVIE!
I NEED YOU TO TALK TO MR. LENSCHERR!” Sylvia
apparently came closer, and he briefed her quickly in a more normal tone that Magneto
couldn’t hear.
“Hello, Mr. Lenscherr? This is Sylvia Lipchitz. Grandpa says you want me to design you a super hero
suit.”
“Yes, Sylvie. I’m
looking for something that will look good while I’m flying, maybe with a cape, not
wrinkle too much, and won’t show lint.”
“Lint?”
“My super-power is electro-magnetism, and whenever I use
it I get covered in LINT. It’s really
beginning to annoy me.”
Sylvie giggled for some time, and said: “Have you tried Static Guard?”
“I buy it by the case.
It barely helps though.”
“Well leather tends to shed lint, how about we make you a
suit out of that?”
“No. Leather
boots, maybe, but a leather suit would just make me look like an old KGB officer. What I want is something dignified, and simple,
out of cashmere or vicuna. Is there some color that won’t show lint too badly?”
“Gray works pretty well.”
Magneto sighed. “How
about red or purple?”
“The lint would really show up with that. We could do a liner on the cape in red
though.”
“Purple would be better.”
“Gray and purple it is.
Summer or winter weight wool?”
“Winter. It’s
for an outdoor event next month. But if it
works out I’ll probably order a summer set as well.”
“Buttons? Zippers? Pockets?” she asked.
“Velcro. No
metal parts, and keep it simple as possible. I
have a utility belt for storing tools.”
“Overall look? Sexy?
Comic? Futuristic? Retro? Scary? What concept
are you shooting for?” Sylvia said. “As
a designer, it really helps if you have a concept.”
“Dignified, yet attractive.” Magnus explained: “I’m the leader of the Brotherhood of
Mutants.”
“Is that like the Knights of Columbus or something?”
“More or less,” he conceded. “Is that all?”
“I think so,” she replied. “So, we’ll see you in two weeks?”
…………………………
“Hey! Remy! Kitty! Come
here!”
“What is it Bobby?” Kitty
asked. “What’s so exciting?”
Bobby motioned them to the front hall of the X Mansion, and
brought them up to a large stack made of six big plain brown cardboard boxes.
“So the UPS man brought more science equipment.” Remy
sneered, “Big deal.”
“Does that look to you like the back address of a science
equipment company?” Bobby asked. The
other two leaned over one of the stacks of boxes. The
label said “SUPER LEATHERMAN”. Kitty
gasped. Remy sniggered.
“What do you suppose they could do with six whole boxes
full of that kinda stuff?”
“Maybe, the basement they are always sneaking off to is a
B&D dungeon!” Remy volunteered.
“Do you suppose he ties her up, or she ties him up?”
Bobby asked.
“Maybe the Professor ties them both up!”
“You two are GROSS.” Kitty said, and ran off.
“What’s her problem?” Remy demanded.
“No problem.” Bobby smiled. “She’s just running to tell the rest of
the girls.”
…………………………
The bell rang when Magneto crossed the threshold of Lipchitz
Tailoring. It was one of those small old
shops in Manhattan that have an unwashed front window, are scattered with weird vintage
sewing equipment, and strike the uninitiated as probably being cheap and near bankruptcy. On the contrary, going to Bergdorf’s and
getting a designer suit off the rack would be cheaper.
Lipchitz was semi retired, and didn’t take new clients of late, and pretty
much could name his price when he made a suit like the perfect black one Erik was wearing
today.
Lipschitz always made one wait, as well.
Magneto actually liked the wait.
He always got a little thrill of anticipation before his fittings, and liked to
savor them. Just as the wait began to turn to
tedium, Rolf always appeared.
“Mr. Lenscherr?” chirped the female voice from the
phone.
He turned to see a pretty young girl with electric purple hair,
with matching eyes and vinyl mini dress. Surprise
was writ large on his features. “You
must be Sylvia.”
She led him to Rolf, who was steaming a garment in back, and
left them together. “I’ll go get
the trousers.”
“I had no idea you had a granddaughter who was a mutant!”
he smiled at Rolf.
“I don’t.” Rolf, replied as Sylvie returned.
“He says you look like a mutant in that getup.” Rolf
said to her disapprovingly.
“It’s ‘in’ at school, grandpa.” She returned.
To Erik she said, “It’s just colored contacts and Manic Panic dye, Mr.
Lenscherr. Don’t you think it looks
fun?” she inquired as she posed in a position that showed off much more of her
vinyl-clad form than he would have wanted showing on his own granddaughter.
“Most original.” He offered, ambiguously. He was suddenly glad he would not be getting a
fitting in Spandex with this girl doing the pinning.
Beyond that, the fitting went well. The garments were better than he’d even
hoped, and required typically few alterations. When it was over, and he was back in his
regular black suit, Sylvie came up and began questioning him.
Rolf was busy hemming the pants, and Magneto thought it couldn’t
hurt to flirt a bit with the infant.
“I’ve never heard of a super hero who was a Yid
before.” Sylvie smiled.
“Well whether you would call me a super-hero or super villain
depends pretty much on whether you agree or disagree with my political views.”
“That is so right on, Mr. Lenscherr.” Sylvie
enthused. “My boyfriend is a mutant, and HE says that Senator Kelley wants to round
up mutants and lock them up or even kill them.”
“You have a mutant boyfriend?”
“Yea, but don’t tell Granddad.”
“He wouldn’t approve of you dating a mutant?”
Eric asked.
“Oh, he’s ok with that, it’s just that David is
only half Jewish, and his dad is some WASP headmaster of a private school in Westchester,
and Granddad doesn’t like him.”
Eric smiled. Such
a small weird world.
“So, like, how does your super-power work?”
“I can generate and control fields of electro-magnetic
energy.”
“Oh. Is that
useful?” she asked.
He supposed that the scientific curriculum at FIT was probably not
very taxing. Sylvie was a great little
designer, but seemed to have the scientific understanding of a philodendron.
“With magnetic fields I can move, bend and otherwise
control metals. I can disrupt or enable power
systems at will, and can cause myself, and other objects, to fly.” He explained.
“COOL!” Sylvie
said. “Can you, like, demonstrate or
something?”
“It usually isn’t advisable indoors, except in an
emergency.”
“Oh, come on!” She begged. She leaned forward
enthusiastically, giving an amazing view of what Erik imagined were some of her chief
charms. “It will be fun…..please.”
“Oh why not.” He said.
After all, if he fried the nearby electric iron, he could afford to get Rolf a new
one. It would be fun to amuse the infant.
So he sent out waves of energy and levitated Sylvie’s chair, and
floated it about a foot off the floor. He
zipped it about the room, while Sylvie giggled like the kid she was, then set it down,
drawing the energy back to him with a snap-crackle-pop that sounded very impressive, but
was harmless.
Or, nearly. Magneto
coughed, suddenly embarrassed. He
half-heartedly brushed at his clothes, which were suddenly extremely fuzzy and gray.
“I suppose it’s to be expected that a tailor’s
workroom would have a LOT of textile fibers floating around in it.” He opined with
resigned understatement.
“Oh, Mr. Lenscherr, I’m SO SORRY.” Sylvia cried.
“It’s no great harm” he sighed,
“really.”
There was an awkward pause before Sylvia said:.
“I see what you mean about the lint though.” |
